How to Deal with the Porn Addict in your Life

By R PikeLeave a Comment

Nov 20 4

the porn addiction he won't talk about

His Porn Addiction & your Pain

He is addicted to porn & won’t talk to her about it!

Today’s post comes from a real person who reached out for help. I will be publishing more or these in the future and you will remain anonymous as did ‘Susan’.

I am dealing with a porn addict. I tried talking with him about it but got

nowhere. He looks at high school girls and suggests kinky stuff. I can’t

get my point across. I get cut off! Help! ~Susan

Susan, I am very sorry you are getting nowhere in trying to talk to him about this porn addiction he has. It is a very normal reaction to deny and deflect when you are confronted with sinful behavior or ways that you have wronged another person. It is also embarrassing to be confronted by your significant other with the fact that you watch porn and masturbate.

Those being said, you should be careful in how you approach him about it. If my wife comes at me in accusatory tones and is flat out angry, I am going into defensive mode and am totally shut down to hearing anything she has to say. On the other hand, if she keeps and even temperament and speaks to me with concern and caring in her voice, she will elicit a much open response from me.

I know that you have feelings of anger and betrayal stewing up inside you and can’t help yourself, but you won’t be able to help him until you talk to him on a level playing field and get him to open up about his porn use. Once he feels safe enough to talk about it, he might.

He might talk about it or may not. Some people won’t face the truth and will do everything to avoid it. As long as you are sure he is using porn, you have ground to stand on. If this is suspicion and you don’t have proof, then it’s his word against your accusations.

Either way, you can’t live with someone who is a porn addict but won’t confess to it, nor can you live with someone you suspect is using porn. In both instances you will harbor resentment against him and wind up destroying the relationship.

There is hope for him to kick this addiction!

Ask you own question here: porn addiction questions

What additional or differing advice would you give Susan? Please comment below.

Masturbation Addiction – Stop Today

By R PikeLeave a Comment

Nov 10 3

Masturbation Addiction - How to stop

Masturbation Addiction – Stop Today

Helpful tips for you to kick your masturbation addiction

Growing up as a young boy, I realized one day that it was pleasurable to play with myself. Every young boy does it, but what happens when you get into a vicious cycle and find that you can’t stop?

The main reason you get addicted to masturbating is because of the pleasure it brings. Who doesn’t like to feel good and get the release of energy and endorphines involved when you bring yourself to climax? That very pleasure you receive is like a drug and you get hooked on it! There are scientific studies that have compared illegal drugs to pornography and masturbation and found that they are nearly identical in the effects on your body.

No wonder it is so tough to kick a masturbation addiction! If you are getting your high from masturbation how do you stop?

First – outside of the pleasure it provides, why do you masturbate?

Are you bored?
Depressed?
Mostly Alone?
Anxious?
Relieving stress and tension?
Escaping from reality?

Identify your underlying reasons for masturbating and then get help and counteract them. For instance, say you are bored; why not get out of the house and go somewhere? If your depressed, seek medical attention from your doctor to see if you are a candidate for anti-depressants.

Second – After counteracting your reasons, remember where and when you masturbate

Do you go into bathroom & watch porn on your phone?
Is it when you are alone or spouse is out of the house?
Do you get up in the middle of the night or stay up late when others go to bed?
Is your office or computer in a private place which allows you privacy?

Figure out what situations and circumstances you exploit to get away and masturbate. Once you know the different scenarios that trigger an episode, do something different. Don’t go to be after your spouse. Don’t take your phone into the restroom.

Third – Change your habits and enjoy some new hobbies and friends

Stop watching porn! – move your computer into a highly trafficked area
Keep yourself busy with family and friends; relationships will help you feel less depressed and lonely
Exercise and eat better; improving your well being will help you to feel better about yourself and release endorphins naturally
Take an evening class or study; book clubs, career centers, Bible studies
Go for a walk with your spouse or dog

Forth – Seek help from a spouse, friend, or counselor

Sometimes you just can’t do it alone; reach out for help
If your spouse is understanding, approach them
A nonjudgmental friend is a great person to keep your accountable
Find a counselor or therapist who specializes in compulsive addictive behaviors

Lastly, try not to get into self loathing as much as possible. This is a touchy subject and lots of embarrassment goes along with it. There are many who will tell you it’s normal and everybody does it, but for you something tells you it isn’t right. Don’t listen to others who say that, but understand that what is OK for them is unhealthy for you.

In the journey to become free from masturbation addiction, you will fail. Don’t give up! Keep going and work towards sobriety for a healthier you! Watch your relationships improve and your overall outlook on life get better. You deserve more out of life and you can do it!

Why do Men Watch Porn? – Four reasons your husband looks at pornography

By R PikeLeave a Comment

Oct 30 54

why do men watch porn

Why do Men Watch Porn? – Here are four reason you may not have thought of outside the obvious

He is seeking escape – Life is tough and there are many responsibilities between work and family. Sometimes a man wants to get away from this world and enter fantasy land. This escape takes his mind of things that cause pain or anxiety and provides him with pleasure. As a wife, you understand the need to get away from the children or work. This is much the same as he is seeking with pornography. Many women believe he is trying to get away from her, which might be true if she is a contentious woman, but usually he is stressed about the cares of this world and wants a brief escape. Try to provide an environment where he can talk to you freely and without hesitation about things that are on his mind. Listen to him and make sure he knows you are on his team and working together with him.

He is wired to be visually oriented – Men are visual creatures. We find what we like by site and feelings come later. Women use their feelings to determine what they like then they translate that into physical attraction. This being said, a man is usually always scanning females searching for something pleasant to the eye. He gets great satisfaction just from observation because he is stimulated by sight. Using pornography develops his visual appetite and makes it more satisfying and therefore he will keep going back for more. Don’t neglect yourself physically and stop wearing nice clothes for him. He will notice you more if you take time to get his attention.

He is hooked on the high he gets – Pornography has been documented to mimic the same effects on the brain as drugs do. It releases all kinds of feel good chemicals that provide lots of pleasure for a while. It is so easy to get hooked on pornography for this very reason. Men like the view and the feeling it gives them. You may be a good looking sexy woman, but your husband will go to pornography for the variety and to get his fix. I’ve seen men with very attractive wives go back time and again to pornography. This is very hard to comprehend for a feeling oriented woman. Many women will blame themselves because they don’t look sexy as they used to, but the truth is, he is an addict and is acting out of addiction and not directly as a result of your physical beauty.

He is searching for an intimate connection – Even though men are visually oriented, deep down inside we are lonely and seeking an intimate connection. If you and your husband have a rocky marriage, make love infrequently or don’t take time to go out on dates and connect with each other, he may be starving. It’s hard to understand how a man can get intimacy from a video screen, but in his mind these girls are there for him and to please him. They draw him into a false intimacy that he eats up if he doesn’t have an intimate connection with his wife. It’s not just the sex he is looking for, it’s the feeling of being wanted, appreciated and being able to please someone else. If you can provide those things for your husband he will rather spend time with you over them.

Wives, I write this from a man’s point of view to help you understand where we are coming from. A man does not always look at pornography as a direct result of something you have done or not done. Sometimes he does it because it is what he has done for a long time, but other times he does it because something is lacking or he is just plain stressed out with life.

My best advice to you is to be sensitive to your husband’s needs. Try to be understanding and let him get close to your physically and emotionally. Also, make certain he knows you love him and don’t like the fact he is using pornography. Try not to be confrontational but don’t let him off the hook if you know he is looking at pornography.

Together you two can work through these issues and come out on the other side a stronger and closer couple.

Other articles you may be interested in:

How to catch your husband watching porn on the interenet

Using Internet accountability software to break his porn habit

Differing Views: How Men and Women think about Husbands watching Pornography

Cleveland Kidnapper; Sex & Porn Addict

By R PikeLeave a Comment

May 11 1

the house of sex addict ariel castro

Ariel Castro admitted porn addict

Admitted porn addict Ariel Castro

Wow – This week was a big news week in Cleveland. Three girls who have been missing for ten years were found inside a Seymour Avenue home on Cleveland’s west side.

My wife was on the computer and told me the breaking news: “Amanda Berry and Gina DeJesus were both rescued from the same house!” I couldn’t believe it. Being a resident of the greater Cleveland area, I have seen the news stories on the vigils and leads over the years on these two girls who were abducted. Gina and Amanda’s families were vigilant in keeping these girl’s stories alive in the neighborhood and media over the years. If you live in Cleveland you could not help but know the stories of these young ladies.

I was very happy to hear such good news! They were found alive and returned to their families. All three women will need lots of prayers for healing of such trauma they have experienced.

There has been much news this past week on Ariel Castro, the alleged kidnapper and captor. What a normal guy he was to those he interacted with! He was the guy who visited neighborhood barbecues and performed in the local salsa band. Who would have ever suspected the dark side this guy hid from everyone?

I have said to many people that I believe anyone is capable of anything. Story after story, you see people interviewed on the news that say something like – “I never would have suspected this guy was into this.”

Double lives- we can be the church going, civic volunteer on the outside, but inside we hide our demons of sexual addiction and violence. What a dichotomy!

We all do this to some extent. We put on these masks to hide our real feelings, hurt and addictions. Behind closed doors people hide the shame of that person they wish they really weren’t. Sometimes this other person is a polar opposite of who they wish they were, but other times, it is embraced.

Mr. Castro admitted to having a sex addiction which led to his kidnapping and holding these three woman hostage. They were his sex slaves held for his own pleasure. How sick is that?

A guy just doesn’t go out and do this on a whim, he works his way up to doing something as drastic as this. I hypothesize that he was a voracious porn addict that drifted down the addiction trail of increasingly extreme sex acts that he had to take to the outside to keep up that ‘buzz’ that pornography once gave him. (see my post on the progression of porn addiction)

I would say that he started with pornography and worked his way up to the point where he needed extreme sex to satisfy his cravings. As the news keeps coming out, I would be really surprised if they don’t find any pornography in this guy’s house and on his computer. Not just ‘normal’ porn, but extreme stuff such as children and animals.

Let’s see if my suspicions are correct. Even if they prove to be untrue, this should serve as a warning to pornography addicts out there. You never know how far you will go with this addiction until you can’t turn back and have gone too far. Don’t let this happen to you.

Porn on the iPod – Check their device, protect their purity | Block iPod Porn

By R PikeLeave a Comment

Feb 27 0

block porn on the ipod is a concern

porn on the ipod is a concern

Internet access in your hand

Block iPod Porn!

iPods are neat devices – They can play music, videos, games and many other things. My 9 year old son received one for his birthday. He loves to make zombie movies and chase the cat or dog around the house. His favorite music on loaded onto it and he loves rocking out to tunes from Skillet and Kutless.

Just tonight, I was doing homework with him and grabbed his iPod to check out what apps he had and what else he was doing with it. I went into Safari and found about 9 open windows – not unusual. I also browsed his internet history. I was a bit shocked. It seems that he did a search today on ‘girls in bikinis’ and another on ‘naked girl pictures’.

Now, given my history I’m starting to think “Oh Lord, He is starting on this now”. I was pleased to find that in his search for the naked pictures, he hit an Open DNS blocked site page. Yea! On the bikini girl search he only got as far as a mild photo in the google image essearch. Great! I calmly asked him if he searched for that stuff and after some studdering and stammering, he said him and his friend did the search this afternoon. I told him that he should stay away from those searches and internet sites. He did not really see anything, so I don’t have to explain any images to him!

The next thing I did was install Covenant Eyes for iPhone & iPod. We are big users and proponents of Covenant Eyes (you can read my covenant eyes review here). It works by becoming the browser for the iPod when you lock out Safari. Please stay tuned for my upcoming full review of the covenant eyes app for iPhone & iPod. After securing his iPod, my wife and I need to discuss how and when I need to sit him down and talk a bit more in depth about sex and women. He is only 9, but these days that may be the right time to get to them and give them a biblical view of sex.

What did I learn from this? First off, I am glad Open DNS blocked the porn site that was supposed to load! Second, I was not doing my parental job to secure his iPod sooner! Even though it has been a month, I should have loaded the covenant eyes on there sooner. If he had been subjected to viewing porn, I would only have myself to blame. I don’t want him falling into the same traps I did as a young boy. He has the potential to be a man of God with the correct view of sex and women, without the distorted view I had.

Thank God another crisis avoided! You cannot tell me that we are not under attack in this society! Read about our first attack and crisis avoided; when an 8 year old receives a Playboy offer in the mail.

Please leave comments below- Have you had a similar experience? When did you have the talk with your child?

Is Porn Cheating?

By R PikeLeave a Comment

Feb 5 0

Is Porn Cheating?

Is Porn Cheating?

Does it really matter whether we are physically intimate?

Last time we explored the different types of affairs and analyzed whether or not they were cheating. I made the point that since the actions of the one made the other feel hurt and betrayed they were considered cheating. Does the classification of actual cheating depend solely on the way the offended spouse’s feelings and reactions?

Whenever we think of cheating we generally consider the act to be mainly physical. When someone says that he cheated on her, they usually mean he had sex with another woman. That phrase is generally interpreted in the same way.

I think we could all agree that having sex with someone other than your spouse is indeed cheating. Sex is the most intimate way that we humans can connect with each other. There is an actual bonding at levels beyond just the physical. There is an emotional and spiritual connection made. When you have sex with someone you are giving yourself to them in the most vulnerable way humanly possible. The exchange between the couple is physical, emotional and spiritual.

Let’s bring pornography up as it relates to having sex with someone. Pornography does not connect you physically with someone, but it does connect you emotionally and spiritually.

Every image gets seared into your mind. The physical pleasure along with gratifying images makes them so hard to forget. You loose your ability to emotionally connect with real people. There are no emotions shared with pornography. It is one sided where the person engaged in watching it will ‘treat’ the person in the video any way they please. This treatment is many times abusive and objective. This one way emotional exchange disconnects the user from interactions with real people.

The spiritual side of using pornography is one of the scariest. I don’t know whether you give away some of your spirit or take on some dark spirit while using pornography. I tend to lean towards taking on some evil spirits because it will start to change you. Pornography is a dark world. You enter in through enticing seemingly harmless images, but get dragged down into a dark place that will change you. Anyhow, I hope you can see the reason I view pornography as cheating without even delving into the feelings of the spouse.

If you don’t have sexual relations outside of your marriage, but have real close intimate friendships with the opposite sex you are cheating. I know that you might disagree with that statement, but hear me out.

Marriage bonds a couple together not only physically in sex, but spiritually and emotionally as well. Yes the act of sex bonds in the same ways, but there is power in the bond of marriage.

God said that the two will become one when He speaks about marriage. He was not just speaking about sex. Believe it or not, God views a husband and wife as one, a unit. You know the phrase – “My better half”. There is a magical joining of the two in the physical, emotional and spiritual realms.

If a spouse seeks to emotionally join themselves to another person through relational intimacy, they are breaking one of the bonds of a marriage. Our spouses were meant to be our closest companion on earth with whom we can share anything. An emotional affair breaks that bond in the marriage and bonds with another.

I know what you may say – That’s just emotional, there is no spiritual and physical connection. How many emotional affairs wind up turning into physical affairs? I don’t know the statistics, but I would bet it is high. If emotional affairs are not stopped, the natural progression is into sexual relations.

Now I realized that I did not yet touch on the feelings of hurt and betrayal experienced by the spouse of someone into pornography or having an emotional affair. If you felt betrayed and hurt, does it matter what excuses or rational is used to explain to you that they did not actually cheat on you? Does the technical definition of cheating sway your feelings?

In my case, you could have told me that my wife was not actually cheating. I mean, she wasn’t sleeping with this other guy. She was however having private conversations with someone I didn’t know. It made me feel threatened, betrayed and hurt. It did not matter one bit if she came out and said ‘But we are not sleeping together’.

The trust was broken. Our bond of marriage was weakened. She had attempted to give herself emotionally to another person instead of me.

What it boils down to is your relationship with your spouse. If you love them, you would not want to hurt them, even unintentionally. If anything you did was offensive to your spouse, love would make you want to stop those actions even if you felt you did nothing wrong. My wife does love me because she stopped communications with this other man and was seriously sorry about it.

Maybe the real test of whether it is an affair or not is the impact it has on the bond of marriage. If it does not weaken any of the bonds of marriage, then it is not cheating. If the actions damage or seek to weaken any of the marriage bonds, then it is an affair.

Christian Porn addicts

By R PikeLeave a Comment

Jan 29 0

Christian porn addict

Christian Porn Addicts

Both Men & Women admit their struggles

I like to share some good vidoes when I come across them. This one depicts Christian porn addicts. Christians can just as easily get wrapped up in porn addiction like any other person. Christians are not perfect! If you are a Christian and are addicted to porn please consider enrolling in the biblically based setting captives free ‘purity’ program.

Refer back to my post on the steps to overcome sexual temptations.

These men and women enrolled in the setting captives free program – One which I highly recommend. Please watch and leave your comments below

Sanctity of Life and pornography – Does porn respect life?

By R PikeLeave a Comment

Jan 20 2

Life is Precious

This is Sanctity of Life weekend in the United States. What that means is that we regard life as a sacred gift from God and it is precious. God is the creator of life and humans were created in His image. This means we are made in His likeness and we have a high value.

The Sanctity of Life as we will look at deals with how pornography portrays an opposing view of life than God does. In pornography, people are objects instead of living beings with soul and spirit. Pornography portrays sex as a conquest and the woman as a mere piece of meat.

I’ve heard it said that we tend to use people and love things instead of loving people and using things. Pornography uses women and men as objects to satisfy our flesh. It ends up using them for the physical and mental satisfaction of control, gratification and physical release.

To love people and value them does not include sacrificing them up to peering eyes of thousands. Would you want your wife or daughter to be used in such a way as pornography does? It violates their value as a person and tears them down with degrading acts.

Humans should value each other and not support the humiliation of another for their own gratification. God would not humiliate us, nor does he care to see us treat some people as less valuable as others. Perhaps we should look at adults in pornography with as much disgust as we do for children who are abusively made to do such acts. Innocence aside, how much difference is there between the two?

Look that woman in the porn movie in the eyes while she is in the act. Are you looking into a soul less creature or into painful eyes? The eyes that are windows to the soul of a woman who is created in the image of God – she is a creation of the almighty and made in his image.

8 year old receives Playboy Magazine offer in the mail

By R PikeLeave a Comment

Dec 15 3

playboy magazine offer to 8 year old boy

In a suburb of Cleveland, Ohio a third grader receives a Playboy Magazine offer in the mail! Should you ever doubt the predatory nature of pornographers, here is case in point.

The young boy is actually my son. Thankfully, my wife retrieved the mail with the enclosed offer! Usually my son gets the mail for her, but not on this day. She was so outraged that she has called and emailed whoever will listen, including Playboy Magazine.

The advertisement was provocative enough that my wife did not want even me to see it. I sat and imagined what his response would have been when he saw a half-naked woman on a piece of mail addressed to him. There are 2 responses that he would have a choice from, in my mind.

The first and ideal response would have been for him to show his mother and to have her quickly whisk the offer away. Then she would praise him for showing her and using good judgment. She’d have to explain to him the sinfulness in such magazines and how awful it was for them to send out such offers.

playboy magazine offer to 8 year old boy

I image he would have looked like this had he opened the mail

The second response would have been for him to hide the offer and not tell anyone. The offer would be hidden in a secret spot and he would bring it out to ponder and look at the ad. What a dilemma it would cause for him! The photo is appealing to him, but he does not fully understand why. It also makes him feel dirty for looking at it and feeling the need to hide it.

At his age I know what I would have done – the second response. It was what I did when I found my Dad’s magazines.

I am very thankful that my wife intercepted the mail today. It seriously is getting me thinking on when and how I have to share with him about ‘the birds and the bees’. I need to start pouring into him and modeling for him the proper way to treat women – more intentionally. I need to give him respect for women so that later on when he does get exposed to pornography, he will know for certain it is wrong and will respond to it as in the first scenario above.

Parents, we have a responsibility to protect our kids and mold them into God fearing, people loving adults. Please reflect on what you would do, or would have done in this situation.

I welcome all your comments below!

Pornography is a Drug

By R PikeLeave a Comment

Dec 5 0

pornography is a drug

Pornography is a Drug

This video, produced by fight the new drug sums up how pornography acts on our bodies the same way that drugs do. Give it a watch and understand why we need to fight against pornography and keep it out our homes, out of our computers and off our television. If you have not had a good reason to install an internet filter on your computer, (like covenant eyes) this should persuade you. You do not want your children falling into pornography addiction like I did and so many others are daily, right now.

What to do – getting caught masturbating with pornography

By R PikeLeave a Comment

Dec 2 0

getting caught masturbating

The ultimate in embarrassment – getting caught masturbating with pornography

You are flirting with disaster if you are engaged in pornography. Pornography has many side effects to those who use it and those related to the user. Sooner or later you will get caught!

Even if you clear your internet browsing history or you have a secret folder on your computer you will eventually get caught. The most diligent and mindful person will eventually leave a trail. Come on, you watch those real life crime shows – the criminal always gets caught.

I was caught as a teenager by my friend. How embarrassing it was! I had my magazines out and a knock on my basement window.. you get the idea. Read more about my struggle with porn addiction in my free ebook.

I don’t care how sneaky or brilliant you are at covering up your tracks or using a proxy. The more you use pornography, the greater the risk. Someone will walk in on you or discover your secret stash. You will be found out.

So what are you going to do when you get caught? That day when your wife finds your internet history what will you say to her? When your boss confronts you with the internet sites you visited on company time how will you defend yourself?

Take preemptive action today – Decide you are going to stop and seek some help. You may be addicted to pornography, check against my list of signs you’re addicted to porn. Go ahead and trash your stash. If that means reformatting your hard drive, do it. Erase all tracks and files now. Read – the first step to quitting pornography

If you do not wish to take preemptive action and quit pornography today, then here is what you need to do when you get caught.

Admit to watching the pornography – Don’t give some lame excuse that someone else was using your computer or that those are not my files. Lying will only complicate things. I know you are embarrassed to admit to it, but you need to fess up.

Don’t blame anyone else for your actions – You have not been watching porn because she doesn’t pay attention to you as much as she used to or because she has gained a few pounds. Get real. You have been a selfish little jerk. Pornography turns you on and you knew she wouldn’t have approved of your watching it. This is why you have been hiding it! Don’t blame her or anyone else for something you chose to do.

Listen to his/her feelings – You need to shut up and let the other person explain how your behavior has made them feel. This will not be pretty and you will get your head handed to you, but you are not in a position to disregard or downplay their feelings. Whether you want to admit to it or not, you have betrayed their trust and intimacy. You have made them feel inadequate and unworthy. Take your licks and listen.

Seek some good counsel and enroll into an addiction program – get a hold of some pornography counseling contacts and inquire about the process they employ. Do this with your spouse. Get her involved in this process so she is aware of what you will be doing and understands what is going to happen. It won’t be easy for either of you. Rough times are ahead, so decide that you will push through them and on the other side things will be better.

Just remember, you will get caught one day. It’s best to be preemptive and quit now! The Bible says that your sin will find you out. While you think you are getting away with it and there are no consequences, eventually it will catch up to you.

What do you think? I welcome your thoughts and questions below.