I just finished and article published in the Telegraph by Dr David Ley titled “Why there’s no such thing as sex addiction”. I must disagree with his article, since I believe that sex addiction exists.

The main points he makes to back up this statement are.

• It isn’t an illness, it’s a weakness – there is no evidence sex addiction is a valid psychiatric disorder.  It hasn’t been recognized as a bona fide disease by the mental health profession
• Sex addiction is wrongly applied the same characteristics of drug and alcohol addiction. He doesn’t believe there are any ill effects on the body, nor withdrawal symptoms.
• He doesn’t believe that men can get lost to the powers of internet porn.  He says that there is no evidence of harm it does or we would be awash in sex crimes and public sexual displays.  Since addicts can function at a high level there is no evidence of addiction.  Phil Varone of Skid Row never considered himself an addict to sex because he functioned so highly and it didn’t mess up his life.
• Sex addiction is a product of social and religious institutions that portray sexual desire as something destructive and weakening and men must rein it in.  These institutions have labeled sex as evil.  Sex is healthy and good for you; more sex equals healthier, happier people.
• People use the label of sex addiction to shirk responsibility for their actions.  The real reason is the bad choices they make.

Let’s deal with his statements one by one; you may be surprised at my point of view.

Dr Ley says that sex addiction isn’t an illness, it’s a weakness.  First off, I think it is funny that he keeps labeling this as sex addiction while stating there is no such thing.  He should come up with another term to label this weakness so that we won’t get his point of view confused.  On this point I have to agree with him.  Shocking as it may be I don’t think sex addiction is a disease.  Just like I don’t believe that drug and alcohol abuse are diseases.  In my very un-clinical mind a disease is an illness that you contract by either contact with another person or genetically.  You cannot catch alcoholism, drug abuse or sex addiction.  You are not born into them, nor do you have symptoms of them without bringing it on yourself.  I’m not sure where the disease label originated from, but I disagree with it.  You can have the tendency to like alcohol or pornography and drugs, but diving into these doesn’t happen without you first giving into the temptation after making some poor decisions.  We are not robotic in this sense.

Next he goes on to say that sex addiction is wrongly applied the same characteristics as drug and alcohol abuse, mainly because there are no ill effects on the body or withdrawal symptoms.  On this statement I have to disagree.  Too much sex or pornography does indeed have ill effects on the body.  I won’t give you all the details, but you can read my account on how pornography made me sick.  It wasn’t until I gave up porn that I began to recover from the mysterious illness that plagued me.  I’m not certain, but I believe it had something to do with the adrenal system.  How can he say for certain that too much sex is not bad for the body?  At what level is it considered too much?

To say there are no withdrawal symptoms with sex addiction is another unfounded statement.  There were many times that I decided to quit pornography and went through withdrawal.  It consumed me to the point I could not function.  There was no concentration or rest.  The urges would only go away after I would indulge in porn.  Don’t just take my word for it, read the testimonies of other sex/porn addicts.  Read Kastleman’s book on the brain science behind internet pornography use.

Dr Ley does not believe that men can get lost in the power of porn.  The quote by Skid Row’s drummer backs up his statement.  Do all addicts lose their functionality and mess up their lives…of course not.  Some are able to lead (on the outside) normal functioning lives.  They are able to compartmentalize their addiction from the rest of their lives.  Others are not so lucky and lose everything.  Dr Ley fails to realize the internal harm that wreaks havoc on the addict.  The guilt, shame and feelings of worthlessness as a result of the addiction may not always appear on the outside.  The truth is that porn is like the siren calling to you day and night to come in and visit her.  There is a pull that appeals to our sexual natures, our need for escape and the physical feeling of euphoria.  The call is there around every corner for the addict.

He also feels sex has been given a bad rap by social and religious organizations that have deemed sex to be destructive, weakening and evil.  These stigmas on sex then make those who have active sex drives to think something is wrong with them and they are addicts.  Lots of sex is good for you.  In this statement I think he has twisted the view by social and religious organizations.  Free sex and promiscuity are deemed destructive, sex without a boundary is destructive, not sex itself.  Sex within the boundary of a marriage is responsible and healthy.  Lots of sex within a marriage is very healthy.

The last point he makes seems to be the crux of his whole article.  Dr Ley feels that sex addicts use the label to escape responsibility for their actions when it is their choices that have gotten them into trouble.  I say right on!  People like to blame someone or something for their bad behavior.  Blaming sexual addiction and then checking into rehab somehow makes everyone feel OK about it, like it’s not their fault.  I say it is their fault and they are addicted.

I don’t believe being addicted to sex or porn and it being your own fault are exclusive of each other.  You are an addict and it is your fault!  This takes us back to the point where sex addiction is labeled as a disease.  A disease label seems to absolve the afflicted from responsibility.  I think this is the whole hang-up Dr Ley has with using the label Sex Addiction.  He firmly believes (as I do) that the person makes bad decisions and is fully responsible for their own actions.  They are not victims to a disease.  They are just people who succumb to a weakness or temptation that has taken them farther than they imagined they would go.

What do you think?  Please leave your comments below.

Other Posts you may find helpful:

The Signs of Pornography Addiction

Side Effects of Using Porn: Caution

Confessions of a Sex Addict

He is seeking escape – Life is tough and there are many responsibilities between work and family.  Sometimes a man wants to get away from this world and enter fantasy land.  This escape takes his mind of things that cause pain or anxiety and provides him with pleasure.  As a wife, you understand the need to get away from the children or work.  This is much the same as he is seeking with pornography.  Many women believe he is trying to get away from her, which might be true if she is a contentious woman, but usually he is stressed about the cares of this world and wants a brief escape.  Try to provide an environment where he can talk to you freely and without hesitation about things that are on his mind.  Listen to him and make sure he knows you are on his team and working together with him.

He is wired to be visually oriented – Men are visual creatures.  We find what we like by site and feelings come later.  Women use their feelings to determine what they like then they translate that into physical attraction.  This being said, a man is usually always scanning females searching for something pleasant to the eye.  He gets great satisfaction just from observation because he is stimulated by sight.  Using pornography develops his visual appetite and makes it more satisfying and therefore he will keep going back for more.  Don’t neglect yourself physically and stop wearing nice clothes for him.  He will notice you more if you take time to get his attention.

He is hooked on the high he gets – Pornography has been documented to mimic the same effects on the brain as drugs do.  It releases all kinds of feel good chemicals that provide lots of pleasure for a while.  It is so easy to get hooked on pornography for this very reason.  Men like the view and the feeling it gives them.  You may be a good looking sexy woman, but your husband will go to pornography for the variety and to get his fix.  I’ve seen men with very attractive wives go back time and again to pornography.  This is very hard to comprehend for a feeling oriented woman.  Many women will blame themselves because they don’t look sexy as they used to, but the truth is, he is an addict and is acting out of addiction and not directly as a result of your physical beauty.

He is searching for an intimate connection – Even though men are visually oriented, deep down inside we are lonely and seeking an intimate connection.  If you and your husband have a rocky marriage, make love infrequently or don’t take time to go out on dates and connect with each other, he may be starving.  It’s hard to understand how a man can get intimacy from a video screen, but in his mind these girls are there for him and to please him.  They draw him into a false intimacy that he eats up if he doesn’t have an intimate connection with his wife.  It’s not just the sex he is looking for, it’s the feeling of being wanted, appreciated and being able to please someone else.  If you can provide those things for your husband he will rather spend time with you over them.

Wives, I write this from a man’s point of view to help you understand where we are coming from.  A man does not always look at pornography as a direct result of something you have done or not done.  Sometimes he does it because it is what he has done for a long time, but other times he does it because something is lacking or he is just plain stressed out with life. 

My best advice to you is to be sensitive to your husband’s needs.  Try to be understanding and let him get close to your physically and emotionally.  Also, make certain he knows you love him and don’t like the fact he is using pornography.  Try not to be confrontational but don’t let him off the hook if you know he is looking at pornography. 

Together you two can work through these issues and come out on the other side a stronger and closer couple.

Many people want to know -  ”How do I tell if  I am addicted to pornography?”   I have compiled a few points for you to consider when you are assessing whether you or someone you love has an addiction to porn.  Some of the answers can only be done personally, but you will be able to place the other person’s behavior into these questions if assessing someone you love.

You become ‘obsessed’ with it – you are constantly seeking another time to view porn- you plan your days around it.   Has porn use become your number 1 or 2 need in your life?  Do you find yourself looking forward to another session in front of the computer or TV screen?  A porn addict will plan their days and free time around getting alone with pornography.  Anticipation throughout the day will get them through their daily routine.
Your mind frequently plays back the scenes you watched. Your mind is pre-occupied with sex.  Sex fills most of your thought life.  Do you find yourself daydreaming about sex?  Do you find yourself sexualizing most every situation and turning it into a porn film fantasy?  Do you look every woman up and down to consider what it would be like to have sex with her?
You cannot control the urges that come.  These urges order you to go get your fix.  It is the greatest need in your life.  Do you get yourself all worked up that you need to go use porn to get your fix?  Do you have urges to use porn that haunt you all day long? 
Logic & safety goes out the window in pursuit of it.  You will take risks to satisfy your need for it.  Do you satisfy your desire for porn with risky behaviors – visiting adult book stores, view porn at work, view porn in public, go to strip clubs?  Has the pursuit of you next fix led you to seek more risque forms of porn?  Has ‘normal porn’ become boring to you?  Are you into lesbian, fetishes, beastiality, teen, or illegal porn (child porn)?  Are you interested or have you had an affair and considered hooking up with strangers for sex?
This list is not all inclusive, but will lead you in the right direction to consider your level of involvement in pornography.  Just because you can’t identify with all these behaviors doesn’t mean you aren’t addicted. 

Some people are more introverted in their addictions and keep it to themselves and think they are in control.  They will not act out as far as risking careers, family, or jail in pursuit of their porn high. 

Other people will drift into the extroverted and out of control behaviors.  They are the ones who get into the most perverse forms of porn and will even get involved in affairs and sex with prostitutes.